Ramblings of an Insomniatic Mama

It is late, late, late and I am still wide awake. This is one of the many problems of having a night owl baby...and of working in the evenings. I taught tonight from 6pm-10pm...yes, I kept 'em the full four hours. Othello is a dense play (what Shakespeare play isn't?!) and we had a lot to do. Unfortunately, one of my students fell asleep. Do you know how bad that makes me feel? In the middle of my class...he just put his head down on his desk and took a little nap. I use a squirt bottle for the cats when they are misbehaving. I think I should start stashing one in my teaching bag, too. Think of the fun I could have. Students could earn a squirt for the following offenses: napping, walking in late, taking a potty break in the middle of class, snickering with a fellow classmate at an inopportune time, texting, yawning, constantly checking the time, messing with noisy wrappers, eating soup and crackers (yes, this has happened...in an 8am class!), asking for another copy of the syllabus, turning in late work, giving an excuse for missing the previous class, wearing pajamas or something disgustingly revealing to class, burping, a ringing cellphone, or disagreeing with me. Could I get sued or fired for that?
Anyway, Emmeline and Paul are tucked in for the night; Emmeline has woken up twice since I laid her down at about 11:30. I needed some downtime after teaching and mommy-ing so I watched the rest of my Sex and the City, season six DVDs that I got for Christmas. It is so sad to know that I finally reached the end...sniff. But the movie comes out one day before my birthday! I am going to ask my friends to take me to the movie and then out for cosmopolitans afterwards. Yay!
Thank you world wide web for sharing my insomnia with me. I suppose I should try to get some sleep before Emmeline wakes up. She has been sleeping better lately, though. Maybe it is because in the past week or so she is rolling around all day long and is probably tiring herself out. We are just waiting for her to get up on her knees and start scooting along. The cats are not too happy with her new-found mobility. She rolls right into them as they are slumbering in warm, sunny patches on the carpet. Just you wait kitties...she will be pulling at your tails and chasing around the house in no time at all!

Seventh Heaven

Today Emmeline is 7 months old. It is hard to believe. Last year at this time, I was just getting over being nauseous all the time and just starting to show. I thought I was HUGE but I went on to gain a total of 48 pounds by the end of my pregnancy. We were nearly half way though the pregnancy and just had our second ultrasound. Paul and I had started to collect some things for the nursery but had not yet started painting or organizing. We actually didn't get the nursery painted and ready until mid-March. I was writing almost every night in my pregnancy journal, which I swore to keep up with after the baby was born...ha! I have only written in her journal twice since her birth. Here is an entry from the journal:
January 24, 2007
"Yesterday I could feel you moving around a lot. I read in a magazine that one mom described the sensation of her baby's first movements like popcorn popping. Yesterday that is exactly what it felt like. I am not sure what got you so excited by I did play some music for you. I especially like to play and sing "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks. My mom played it for me when I was home for Christmas. She said it reminded her of all four of her kids; and the song makes me think of you. The music and the lyrics are beautiful:
'They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, is forever enough?
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, 'cuz I'm never giving you up.
I slip in bed when your asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you.
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, is forever enough?
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, 'cuz I'm never giving you up.
As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when your miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade.
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, is forever enough?
How long do you want to be loved?
Is forever enough, 'cuz I'm never giving you up.'
I am looking forward to the day when I can rock you to sleep in my arms as I sing that song to you."
Well, now a year later I do sing that song to her. But she does not stand for this rocking nonsense! Paul and I instead do a lot of laps around the house to get her to sleep.
It is amazing how much she has grown and learned in those few short seven months of life. In the past few days she has been saying "dat!" and we are convinced that she is trying to say "cat." We have been repeating the sign and word over and over for many days now. She started to pinch her thumb and forefinger together as if she is making the sign but she has yet to finish the sign by putting her fingers up to her cheek (as in making a whisker). And of course everything is "dat!" I know that she is just working on mimicking us and it will take some time for her to correlate words to things or people but it is fun and exciting just the same.
It is also amazing how much our lives have changed in these past seven months. We oftentimes talk about how we can barely remember what our lives were like before Emmeline was here. And we can't imagine our lives any other way now that she is here. We are truly and profoundly lucky to have her in our lives.

Chatty Kathies

I belong to a yahoo group that is connected to the Birth Center (TBC) where we gave birth to Emmeline. At first I found this group to be incredibly refreshing. I joined when Paul and I were about 20 weeks pregnant. I had been doing a lot of research online while thinking about our birthing and parenting choices. I spent a ton of time on babycenter.com reading around in the chat rooms and seeing what other moms had to say. I have to admit that the discussions I happened upon were very intimidating. The women on these chat forums were brutal, judgmental, and ignorant. Once we joined TBC, I found the chat forum to be inviting, diverse and informed. That was until a few months ago...
In December some moms started posting their opinions about phasing out Christmas because they believed it to be too commercial and flaky. Other moms posted about their fundamental love for Christmas and hope that others could see why the Holiday was so important. It seemed to be an open discussion that had many differing opinions, but without judgment or hostility. I picked up a lot of great ideas about celebrating Christmas more simply, with more sentiment and generosity but without the stress and money. Apparently one mom was singled out and was sent emails privately that called her blasphemous and a freak. She was called a moron and told to start her own cult. This offended mom posted the email publicly on the forum to illustrate how she had been bullied and claimed that she was leaving TBC yahoo group. I honestly couldn't believe that one mom would treat another this way just because they differed in opinion. But then I remembered reading page after page of bickering and judging on other sites (the circumcision topic was the most heated). I was extremely disappointed that TBC mammas were treating each other this way.
I have a deep love and respect for my TBC friend and their babies. They have been the women that have kept me going and sane these past six months because we are all in the same boat. They are warm, intelligent and giving. They share information and advice freely and do not take offense if your opinion or experience differs from theirs. I was very sad to see that TBC forum was taking an ugly turn.
To my TBC ladies: Thanks for your support, respect and friendship. To the others that are a bit misguided: Can't we all get along and help each other out? Being a mom is hard enough!

Hoot Hoot

We just had a tough evening. Emmeline is a night owl and we have been trying to get her to go to bed earlier and up earlier. But she is so resistant to the change. Paul and I started the sleep struggle tonight around 9:30. It is now 12:30 and she is finally sleeping. She basically just fussed for the entire three hours. We did give up around 11:30 and let her play for about a half hour. That seemed to get her last bit of energy out enough to sleep. We have tried everything to get her to go to sleep earlier: a routine (with bath, book, nursing, etc), a fan for white noise, absolute quiet swaddling, unswaddling, night light, no light, rocking, walking, bouncing, "crying it out" (though just for a few minutes at a time), crib, co-sleeping, pack-n-play, a "lovey," a blankie, arg!
This late night routine is hurting us in a couple different ways. One, Paul and I have virtually no time for just the two of us. He is usually in bed before Emmeline is. Two, now that I am teaching I have to either say up really late or get up really early to finish my work. I work best at night so I usually stay up late to work. Three, because of problem number two, I have to sleep in with Emmeline thus making it difficult for me to get her up early to go to bed early.
People kept telling me that at six months everything would get easier. Still waiting...

Our Big, Little Baby

Today Emmeline had her six month appointment. She is a bit older than six months, but with the Holidays and our pediatrician being on vacation, the earliest we could get in was this week. Emmeline now weighs 18lbs 11 ozs (3 lbs since 10/24), she is 27 inches long (1 and 1/2 inch longer since 10/24) and her head is 17 inches in circumference (one inch bigger since 10/24). Everything else is coming along smoothly. I really like our pediatrician. She is actually a family practitioner so Paul and I go to her, too. I heard about her through another Birth Center mom. Our doctor actually had her two babies at The Birth Center (TBC) so she is familiar with their practices and understands our point of view about natural labor and child-rearing (for the most part). The one thing I am surprised about is that she is really pushing us to get Emmeline in daycare or find her a regular babysitter. Maybe she thinks that Emmeline needs to be more socialized or she thinks that I need a break, but she has never explained her reasons. At this point I do feel like Emmeline is plenty socialized. We go to a Parent's group at TBC once a week and we go walking with two TBC moms and their babies twice a week. (We had a lovely walk today with the girls in sunny 66 degree weather!). She is not really able to "play" with the other babies but they look at each other, talk in their cute little babyspeak to each other and occasionally swap toys and grab at each other. Isn't this enough for a six-month-old? And of course she gets plenty of stimulation and learning at home with us. Maybe our doctor is concerned that Emmeline will have separation anxiety and I do understand this concern. My baby sister had this and it was really hard for all of us to deal with. Emmeline has started to reach for me when she sees me or if I am holding her she turns away from people if they reach for her. She has also cried a couple times recently at men that seem strange to her (common for most babies, I think). I have been trying to avoid the onslaught of separation anxiety for months now by making Sunday daddy/daughter day. I leave the house and do errands or something for myself while Paul hangs out with her (let's face it-he'd be watching football anyway). In addition, I have started to teach twice a week in the evenings. My classes are four hours long so with driving time and office hours it is closer to five and a half hours that I am gone from the house. Last night was my first night (ug). It went pretty well but it is hard to get back into it. As my mom said today, from now on I will have one foot in mommy-land and one foot in academia...two very different worlds. I do not know how I will cope or how Paul and Emmeline will cope but it is a necessity. I am very fortunate that I am able to teach in the evenings so that we can avoid daycare, but I do not know for how long. At least until this upcoming fall we should be able to be home with her.
Well, I must be off so that I can get back to work prepping for tomorrow evening's class. My little family is nestled all snug in their beds and I am burning the midnight oil. Ah, the plight of working moms everywhere...

Running for the Rich

I went to an interest meeting tonight for a mom’s running group and I was severely disappointed. It seemed great in theory: moms getting together to run and train together for a common race goal. I was a runner all through high school and college and even finished three marathons; but have found it hard to lace up my shoes after Emmeline was born 6 months ago. I thought this group would be a great way to meet people with similar time constraints/commitments/interests as myself and it would keep me motivated and consistent with my running. But I found out at the meeting that there was a major downside: the cost. I naively thought that it was just a group of moms getting together to run. In fact it is an international organization that requires a yearly membership fee ($65). You then have to pay the money to be on a “race team” for only twelve training runs ($100). This money goes directly to the “Team Leader.” You also have to pay a separate registration fee, transportation and lodging for each race. So all-told you are paying well over $250 (more if you travel) for each race that you want to do with this running group. I was floored. I think that one of the greatest things about running is that it does not cost much; just buy a good pair of shoes now and then and you are set. Race fees can get expensive, but you don’t have to race to run. You shouldn’t have to pay a bunch of money in order to have running buddies. It is great to run for a cause and support charities, but why should anybody have to throw money at a “Team Leader” just to organize runs? I can organize my own schedule, thank you very much!
Another kicker about this group: baby joggers were not welcome on training runs. What?! Something is rotten in the state of Delaware…

A Tooth Tale

Emmeline erupted her first tooth today! She bit Paul's finger when he was entertaining her in the car and he thought that something felt sharp. When we got home I checked her mouth and sure enough! A purely white! Actually I can't see much there; but I can definitely feel it. It is a very strange feeling to know that your little baby has a tooth. I am just getting used to the idea of being a mom...and now she is getting teeth!!
We also started her on solids on Christmas Day which is another big development in her young life. We have her on about 1 tablespoon of organic rice cereal combined with 3-4 tablespoons of breast milk in the evenings around supper time. We gave her bananas once but she was not thrilled about it. For the most part she eats like a champ! It is fun to watch her get used to the consistency and taste as she rolls it around in her mouth. At times she reaches for the spoon and tries to play with it so we unfortunately have started to tell her "No." I do not like using this word or even being firm with her at all...after all she is just a little baby. But I suppose we have to incorporate a bit of discipline at some point.
These major developments for me are very surreal. The whole experience of being a mom, actually, is very surreal. It was such a very short time ago that I was pregnant and anticipating her arrival. It was such a very very short time ago that we gave birth to her and saw her little face for the first time. It is strange to realize it, but I think in a way I will always be living in that moment...the first moment of her life. She will always be a newborn: small, new and needy. It is difficult to let go, even in the smallest of ways. The first time she took a bottle from Paul at 6 weeks was liberating but also very sad. She didn't need my breast anymore, just the milk from it. What was to become of me as her mother?! Well, I survived that development and I will survive these, too.