Emmy Lou's Adventures: Transitions

We have had a busy few weeks in our house, to say the least. Emmeline has started day-school and Paul and I have both been working full-time. I have been avoiding this post because I am not able to articulate how difficult this transition has been for us all. I am one of four children who was raised by a full-time stay-at-home mother and a full-time working father. I always thought that I would be able to figure out a way to stay at home with my children but as it turns out, the reality of modernity and my career aspirations have caught up with me.

My mom and dad sacrificed tremendously to give me and my siblings the advantage of having a stay-at-home mom. Indeed, they are still sacrificing for this decision as my mother is still struggling to find her place in the career world. Currently my baby sister, Jacy, is a junior in high school and my mom is taking courses towards becoming a medical transcriptionist. (She wanted to be a court reporter when she graduated from high school but the closest program was in the Twin Cities. And finding a co-signer for her student loans was out of the question). I see how much she is struggling for her niche in the work force and know that she and my dad still to this day have to feel the financial consequences of providing us with a stay-at-home mother. At the same time I am proud of and grateful for my parents' conviction in keeping us kids at home until the age of 5.

My parents raised me with the model of one parent staying at home full-time and the other working full-time, but they also told me that I could be anything, go anywhere and do anything I could possibly imagine. And I did. I went to college, went to grad school, all because I felt compelled to do so. And I love my work. But the first and only thing I wanted to be was a mother. When Emmeline was born, everything else dissolved. In that first year of her life I had convinced myself that I was never going to finish my dissertation and that financially we would just make it work. Well, now that she is two years and three months old, I find myself in a position that I had never really imagined. It may seem funny to you, I know, considering my years and years of school. But it is the truth. Paul wasn't ready to have a baby until he decided to have Emmeline. What else was I supposed to do while I waited? To be sure, I love my work but thought that as an academic my schedule would always be flexible enough to stay at home with my babies at least part time.

You cannot live comfortably for very long in the Mid-Atlantic on the combination of a school-teacher's and grad student's salary. And so it is. I applied for a few jobs last spring, got incredibly lucky, and was hired at a local community college. My new co-workers, male and female alike, are bountifully supportive of me being a new full-time working mommy. Emmeline's school teachers are amazingly warm, understanding and uplifting. I really couldn't ask for a better working academic environment for me or a better day-school for Emmeline. But it is still hard. I miss my Emmeline more than I can say. I know she is happy and well cared for but I am still devastated. The mornings are the worst. We are used to cuddling in bed for as long as we want, watching Sesame Street and lingering over breakfast. Nowadays our mornings are all business as we get up, get ready, eat and leave. Emmeline is generally excited about school but is upset in the morning. She seems tired, she does not have an appetite and fusses on the way to school. She cries once we arrive and starts to scream "I want my mommy!" when I pass her off to her teachers. I tell her I love her, tell her she will have a wonderfully fun day and blow kisses with a smile. But as I leave the building I cry on my little teaching outfit and stumble towards my car. I feel awful. I usually call a few hours later and her teachers assure me that Emmeline was fine by the time I pulled out of the parking lot and is having a great day. Even so I still feel like an awful mommy. I hope we both get over it soon. *sigh*

Work and school have not been the only things on our agendas lately. We have still found time to spend with our friends and enjoy these last wonderful weeks of clear weather. Soon fall will be upon us and in the Mid-Atlantic that means rain, rain and more rain!

Emmeline insisting that Elisa and Haley

participate in singing and playing "Ring

around the Rosy" whether they wanted to

or not!